I have a custom-made bidet at home, because, well, how else are you supposed to clean your ass after a bowel movement, you sillies? It works great for hook-ups, because if women I bring back to my place have to go no. 1 or no. 2., then can do so in my bidet without shame or risk embarrassing odors in the bedroom after, as the warm soapy water will leave their butt crack and vagina minty fresh.
So my girl and I were out for mexican food. She ordered an extra large burrito loaded with black and pinto beans. She has a small, flat, size 2 waist. I joked and said, “Are you kidding me? How is THIS (pointed at burrito) going to fit in THERE (placed my hand on her flat belly).”
“I can make it fit,” she said. “Just like I learned to make other things fit” (as she made a hand gesture toward her mouth).
So she f-cking eats the monstrous beast. I didn’t think she could do it, but she did. But immediately after, she felt stomach cramps and said we have to get home so she can take a fat dump.
“Get home! Hurry!” She babbled.
En route home, I was stopping off at gas stations just to mess with her and stall her dropping her load.
“What are you doing??” I am about to give birth out my asshole!” She bellowed.
“I have to get cigarettes.” I said.
“But you don’t smoke…”
I pulled in my driveway. She immediately ran to my bathroom. On my custom-made bidet, hand-crafted in Italy, there’s also an air pressure setting. What this does is shoot high-pressured air up into your anus, causing air pockets that will help you fart out all the old, bad flotsam stuck deep within the colon.
My girl dropped her stinky, fresh load of brown detritus into my expensive cathedra. She turned on the bidet and cleaned her entire musky asscrack, top of clitoris to end of spine. The longer she washed, the less toilet paper she’d have to use after. If I didn’t have a bidet, she’d have to use a whole roll of TP.
She then turned on the air pressure, but did it too fast at first, and a fast, dangerous burst of air was thrust into her already-open anus, shooting up as far as her ascending colon. Taking advantage of the gaping passageway, she turned on the jet stream of water again.
Immediately, heaps of toots began to fall out of her butt. So many! She injected so many air pockets in her colon that eventually had to escape in the form of flatulence. She walked out of the bathroom, and began to toot uncontrollably with every step and body movement. I mean, the source of these toots were as far back as her Cecum. There were toots from 2002 making their way out of her!
And they had the weirdest odor, too. It wasn’t just a poop smell, it was an intestines smell.
I began to laugh. I would mess with her and poke her flat belly causing a large toot to hale out.
“Stoppit! It’s not funny!” She’d wine in her embarrassed valley girl voice.
I had to sleep with her that night, and it was so smelly under the covers, but I told her it was okay as I kissed her forehead and told her to get some sleep, and by tomorrow she’d be all cleaned out. Now my blankets and comforter are at the dry cleaners, attempting to get those decade-old body fluids out of there. She now has a shinier, pinker asshole, so I think everyone should do the air pressure cleanse every once in a while.
I bet she will think twice before eating a burrito twice her size in one sitting!
[Image source: SMeadows, DeviantArt]